“What are you in the mood for?’
A question you ask every time we meet. And, as predictable as this part of our date is (and only this part, I might add), I never prepare my answer, instead waiting until the exact moment the words leave your lips to feel the energy in the room; to examine the glint in your eye and see how my body responds to it, to feel for the thing that is going to create the most intense electricity between us on that particular day.
As I sit down to write this blog, I’m not entirely sure what it is that I want to write about. Life has gone by quickly - feverishly - this last few months; as many of you are aware, I have been preparing to take a concert exam as a pianist and there hasn’t been a lot of space in my head for very much else. Well, like most intense experiences, my recital came and went in a flash at the end of last week and now I find myself with infinitely more time on my hands. I feel…restless. Like I want to do everything, all at once. Equally, I’ve been thinking quite a lot recently about that question; what exactly am I in the mood for? I’ve realised that, once again, I feel pulled in different directions; that the foibles of my sexuality are not always as predictable as the inevitability of your question.
Those who have known me for more than a minute will likely know that I’ve explored many different facets of my sexuality in this little corner of the world, always exactly and precisely one Fun Thing at a time. Some time ago, having played predominantly as a submissive for a while, I knew I wanted to explore the fiercer, more dominant side of myself. I decided I must wipe all trace of my previous incarnation from the face of the Earth; nobody must ever find out that their oh-so-wicked Mistress used to happily and nervously fiddle with the little gold loop on her collar while she knelt and waited for her punishment like a good girl. Likewise, when I felt myself leaning more towards this Darla shaped direction, I felt a need to distance myself from my prior experiences in a dominant role, as thrilling a time as I’d had. Why? Honestly, I’m not sure. Sure, there’s the prevailing thought that everything (and everyone) must fit into a neat little box and be uncomplicated, uncontaminated by anything outside of it. And, admittedly, I’ve always enjoyed any opportunity to reimagine, to reinvent and reignite. Like the excitement of making a new Spotify playlist, times a million.
A conversation I had recently has brought the question of ‘why’ back to the forefront of my mind and I think I’ve realised that a part of me has never wholly understood my own sexual identity, never really defined it. Having been invited to play a part in so many different fantasies over the years, perhaps the only constant in terms of what I am ‘into’ has been that I get off on people getting off, something I’ve blogged about previously. Whatever the activity, the source of my own arousal seems to be based not in a particular kink or scenario, but in the visual arousal of my playmate, in feeling their enjoyment and excitement and feeding my own pleasure from that. Over the past few months, I’ve felt that familiar desire to be the one in the driving seat once again and let my inner domina out to play. I’ve toyed with the idea of, once again, burning everything to the ground and starting afresh, but this time I know I have far too much fun as Darla to ever do that. Wanting to play as a Mistress once again does not change the fact that there are things that I enjoy outside of that. I suppose that’s the thing about me; what I’m in the mood for is fundamentally changeable, and likely always will be. Even the word ‘switch’ does not feel quite right in terms of my sexual identity; sometimes I want to do x and sometimes I’d rather do y. ‘Fluid’ feels more accurate. I remember a bizarre experience I had when I’d made the professional switch from sub to domme; someone who had known me as a submissive began making comments online about how I wasn’t really a domme - I couldn’t be! - since I had played as a submissive and clearly enjoyed it so much. At the time I remember being quite terrified that my cover had been blown; that nobody would want to submit to me knowing that I myself had submitted to others. In fact, the opposite happened and I quickly found myself in the company of brilliantly fun submissives who recognised that my own experiences as a sub would only add to my skill set as a domme. I also knew with certainty that being someone who genuinely enjoyed being submissive gave me the perfect insight into the psychology of submission, and this ultimately became possibly the most significant factor in my style of domination. Really getting under my submissive’s skin, being able to detect exactly what their buttons were and pressing them. Over and over again.
So, why am I writing about this now? Like I said, I’m feeling that familiar itch once again and I may, in the coming months, decide that life is too short to keep oneself in a box. That the only person who seems to think that I should only be one thing at a time, sexually speaking, is me. And, perhaps most importantly, that I don’t need to abandon all of the things that I enjoy as Darla in order to also enjoy other things under a different guise. So, if you see me floating around elsewhere, NOBODY PANIC. It’s just me, living my best life (as the kids these days say) and doing what makes me happy. I’m still here, still just as horny for the things I talk about on this side of the coin. Sure, I could merge everything into one persona but honestly, I love distinct aspects of each style of play so much and would prefer to keep them separate, so that is what I plan to do.
I’ve also realised that a lot of what I’m in the mood for is influenced by the build up to that thing; if I have a session coming up where I’ll be having tantric sex, that’s exactly what I’m getting excited about doing. Similarly, if I’m building up to a cuckolding session, or one where I’m dishing out punishment, that is what will be getting my juices flowing. I know I’m not alone in finding the anticipation (and the memory) of a session as exciting as the session itself; that electrifying headspace where all one can think about is immersing oneself in whatever is to come, imagining it over and over again. Honestly, I can’t tell right now if all of this is coming from me having taken my exam and not quite knowing what to do with myself in the aftermath. But I’m excited about the prospect of not keeping certain aspects of my sexuality locked away for years at a time, all because of some strange idea that people can only be ‘into’ one thing and one thing only. I’m also excited about reimagining and reinvigorating; I have a wildly fun photo shoot or two in the planning process, and I’m also considering restarting my online content (though don’t quote me on this - I really haven’t made a decision about that yet!). They say that the Devil makes work for idle hands, and now my hands have done their job in the concert hall, I’m ready for him to take over and lead me astray.
So, what are you in the mood for?